Ninety-eight per cent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other two percent have to generate their own sex and violence.Īs a New Yorker, I’m someone who lives on an island and looks across to America. You are never done clapping until the last time in. Click to tweet I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. Mitch Hedberg It’s okay if you don’t like me. Steven Wright I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful. The Best Funny Quotes Go to table of contents I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. In America, sex is an obsession in other parts of the world, it’s a fact. Clapping is just hitting your hands together repeatedly because you like something. Quotes tagged as 'funny' Showing 1-30 of 9,000. Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. In America you can say anything you want, as long as it doesn’t have any effect. March Madnesss…the only place where you hear ‘Kansas is advancing.’Īll people are born alike. If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness. We bite into them to find out what’s on the inside only to discover that Democrats are too often soft and gooey and Republicans are mostly nuts. New Rule: This Valentine’s Day, Americans must remember that politicians are like a box of chocolates. I can regress there, and they have roller coaster parks. The rest cheat in Europe.įootball combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings. Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.Įighty percent of married men cheat in America. But then, we elected them.Īmericans will put up with anything provided it doesn’t block traffic. It’s the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn’t have declared their independence from it. ![]() When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. ![]() After all, how American would we be if we couldn’t laugh at ourselves once in a while? MORE: 40 Inspirational Quotes That Aren’t Sappy MORE: The 18 Hottest American Modelsįrom socially-conscious comedians like Bill Maher and Stephen Colbert, to beloved actors like Bill Cosby and Lily Tomlin, read on for 14 funny quotes about America. The 4th of July is upon us, so it’s time to reflect on our great nation (and, of course, suck down copious amounts of hot dogs, shop, and DIY our own American flag clothing.) Before we do all that, we decided a good way to celebrate the ol’ US of A is to compile some witty, sarcastic, and just plain funny quotes about America that have famously made the rounds.
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